Dear Dad,
This year for Father’s Day I wanted to give you the gift of honesty. I realize that this is something I’ve never given you in a complete fashion mainly out of fear but also somewhat out of respect. I will try to be as tactful and respectful as I can. After all, you have given me more opportunity and more desire to better myself than anyone else has. The life lessons I’ve learned from you I will carry on with me forever. The legacy you’ve left in my heart can never be tarnished. That being said, you’ve made an impact in my head as well.
I daily deal with the thought that I am not good enough. I am not good enough for the career I want. I’m not good enough for the people in my life. I am not good enough to have exactly what I want in this world. I am always listening to this loud obnoxious voice in my head, and no I’m not actually hearing voices, telling me I’ll never be good enough. It translates into a behavioral conundrum where I am constantly seeking approval from others because to myself I’ve never been enough. To my best friends I am enough and I am grateful for them more than they know. To the people I’ve know most if not all of my life I am not who I see myself to be. The only wish I have in this world though, is that you would see me as something and as someone better than you do. On more than one occasion you have verbalized or alluded to the fact that I was never wanted. You’ve always made me feel that because of my physical conditions and/or limitations that I was a huge burden on your life. As a parent now I can tell you, a child should never be seen as, and especially should not feel as though, they are a burden. I was uniquely made in the perfect image of God but you seem to believe that I am come from a damaged mold of what was not even supposed to be. It feels like you see me as the scraps that came together to form a similar-but-lacking functional being. I hear you when you say you’re proud, but the words that come later, the actions that follow…those show differently. I should not have to feel like I’m in the way or an embarrassment, and I often do. I understand that I have not always been honest or respectful but the one thing I never saw you as was a burden on my life even when others speculated that you were. I have been told I would never have total peace until I either stopped trying to or no longer had to gain your acceptance. Here I am though, still trying to impress you 4 decades later. I don’t believe it will ever work but you’ve never known me to just give up.
I get that from you. I’m stubborn. I don’t stop until the job is done, the task is complete and what I want has been accomplished. Despite my feelings of inadequacy my desire to finally be adequate still remains. I believe God has called me to make a difference for the world and I am living my life daily with a goal of doing so. I don’t know in what fashion I may do so, but I do know I won’t give up until I figure it out. You taught me that. You gave me so many things to look up to and be proud of. I just wish that I had done something during the course of your life to finally earn the acknowledgement that I am wanted, that I am a gift, and that I am accepted for who I am. I truly hope that in the next life, when we are joined again, that dynamic will exist. Thank you for hearing me and I hope you can now see how much I truly love and appreciate everything you did to tolerate me.
Scott